Was it really a vision or just my imagination? The intense love, that warmth I felt in my heart as I lay there after the stretches and ‘Pranayams’. I thought of that hill again, but not as a treacherous shock of sharp, knee twisting rocks… I saw myself on top of the hill, singing, happy, overjoyed at the achievement. Then just one thought – to sing like that each day - to love my inner spirit for not being afraid of the hill. A surge of warmth spread through me. Not a balm to soothe the pain - just purity, allowing me to love myself again. I have no guilt anymore, no regret, no pain. I will walk up that hill again with Anju just as I had wanted to on that day. To leap from rock to rock with her, to sing again…
This was the last piece of writing before my downward spiral into depression ensued. And what a long and painful ride it was. It took over 18 months to overcome the painful symptoms, months of patience and deep love from family and friends who understood my pain and believed in me.
However, if one chooses to see things as learning opportunities, it was not all sadness - there is a deep sense of meaning behind these experiences. A sense of seeing beyond the veil of ‘maya’ that permeates our being.
The most important lesson I learned through my journey was that there was nothing to be ashamed about. That I was not weak. That asking for help was smart and courageous. That there is a definitive path out of it. That in the end, one can look back at it and feel good about not just working past the symptoms, but also facing the fears and baggage that underlie the same. That impermanence is the only truth.
Mental health issues are a reality and can happen to the best of us. However these are not issues to be feared or brushed under the carpet.
We live in the hardest of times today with so many of our deep-rooted assumptions - safety, security, companionship, control over outcomes mercilessly defenestrated. To make matters worse, since these are the precise anchors that help alleviate mental health issues, we need to stay alert and open to the possibility that at some point we may need to ask for help.
The ailment creeps up on one, then all of a sudden, the levee breaks. It’s good to remember then, that there are others who will help with compassion, devoid of judgment.
Please listen to your inner voice if you ever find yourself in despair and reach out for help, knowing that there are many around you who understand and are more than willing to hold your hand.